Choice and Commitment

      This post is dedicated to my family of origin, who have taught me more than they know on the subject. I'm sure they would return the compliment!
    
     When you're a teenager and young adult, it's easy to imagine each new friendship and relationship is going to always be as great as it feels at the heady start, the getting-to-know-how-wonderful-each-other-is phase, and will last forever at this same giddy level of interest and interaction. This is a good thing for a young person who is at the individuating stage of development, beginning to make your own way in the world as a separate entity from your parents and family. After all, if you didn't have hope there was something much better out there than what you already know, how many of us would actually take the leap to move out on our own or with roommates? And even more important for the continuation of the human race, how many would take the gigantic leap of joining our self and our future to another person in marriage, to become one and raise new little individuators? There's a reason why someone coined the phrase, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," after all! We tend to be a little afraid, or at least cautious, of the unknown and so a good, healthy dose of denial and self-deception can get us over that threshold we might never cross otherwise.
     As time goes by, however, we begin to notice little imperfections in our chosen friends and loved ones: they're always running a bit late and so we're always sitting waiting for them; or maybe they have an annoying laugh that begins to grate on our nerves after hearing it thousands of times; or they don't manage money as carefully as we would like them to; or they don't like to try new cuisines and foods the way we do; or maybe they just don't know the new roll of toilet paper should be loaded so the end hangs over the roll, not under, darnit! (It is ridiculous what some parents don't teach their children!) And when we notice these imperfections, whether consciously or not, we're evaluating whether this is a trait or behavior we can continue to tolerate in the long term.
     If we are committed to the relationship, we are determined to find ways to tolerate the other person's faults and foibles so we can continue to enjoy each other's company. We may talk to them about what's bothering us and ask for improvement on their part, or we may develop coping mechanisms to block out unpleasant habits, or we may start drinking heavily - whatever helps us through. And if our friend or partner is also committed to the relationship, they'll probably try to make the changes we ask for. They may even have to develop coping mechanisms of their own to deal with our (surely imagined) annoying traits and habits! And so, if both parties feel a strong level of commitment to keeping the connection, a good relationship can grow and flourish over the years until we know the other person almost as well as we know our self and feel secure that we'll always be there for each other.
     Eventually, we find a strange thing has occurred. The wonderful, perfect person we originally were drawn to, the one we decided we would always need in our life as a friend or lover, has become just as flawed and annoying and familiar-feeling and intrinsic to our life as those people we grew up with and left behind so long ago when we were beginning to make our own place in the world. Through our strong sense of commitment that kept us going through any disillusionment along the way, we have turned them into family, a family we chose for ourselves.
     But what's even more strange is how our original family, people who - with the exception of the married couples contained in it - never chose each other and may not even have chosen each other if they didn't share genes, have always been there for us over the years as we went through the process of becoming an individual in the world and choosing other individuals as friends and family and sharing and surviving and negotiating so many experiences over the years! True, not all family members stay close, or even in touch, but most do try to help and support and share with each other. And that's a pretty amazing level of commitment to someone you had no choice at all about, so this family thing is a pretty amazing invention despite the misunderstandings and pain and fear and frustration that come with close human relationships. Though sometimes, if the frustrations are too great, it leads to some of us being committed in a different way, but that's a subject for another post!