You... yeah, you

    Wouldn't it be wonderful if every person on this earth knew, just knew, that they have worth? All the energy that goes, every day, into trying to prove that we belong, that we have a right to be here pursuing our dreams, could be freed up for more important uses.
    It starts with sibling rivalry, if you are fortunate enough to have siblings. You want Mommy and Daddy's complete love and attention and here is this other person with their own needs and wants trying to get your parents' complete love and attention for themselves, as if they don't know the world revolves around you! Silly siblings! So you step up your game (and step all over the interloper whenever you get a chance) to do your best to get validation that you are the better, more important, most special child in the family. But sometimes your efforts for attention annoy your parents (they always annoy your siblings but who cares about them?) and instead of getting warm fuzzy feelings from basking in parental love and approval you are scolded for your behavior and are left feeling sad and angry, anxious that maybe your parents don't love you anymore, or won't love you if you don't behave just as they want.
    And it seems to me most people bring this insecurity and rivalry into their relationships with the rest of the world once they grow older and expand the scope of their wants. And thus we have a world full of people trying to impress each other with their own wonderfulness and importance and behaving badly when old fears of inadequacy are triggered. Social media are full of examples of people boasting, gossiping, arguing and tattling, to, about, with and on each other, just as we did on the playgrounds of our youth! And it still happens in the physical world of work and friendships and families every day, as well.
    But what if each and every one of us knew, just knew, that we don't have to waste all that time and energy justifying our existence on the planet, that we are all human beings of equal intrinsic value, worthy of being respected, listened to and loved by others? What if we didn't have the voices in our heads telling us maybe we aren't good enough, the background buzz of anxiety that the love and approval of those around us might disappear at any moment? Think of all the emotional resources freed up for developing talents, pursuing interests, and truly enjoying our interactions with each other! Wouldn't it be loverly?

Affirmation

We are the invisible.
Who will look at us and see?
We are the inaudible.
Will you listen to what we have to say?
We are the untouchable.
Who will hold us in their heart?

I see what's been hidden.
You are not invisible to me.
I hear the things you cannot say.
I will listen.
Your pain is in my heart.
I will hold you there.

An Apparently Unpopular Opinion

   Am I the only one who is having trouble with something that keeps cropping up as I listen to coverage  and discussion of the recent elementary school shootings in Newtown, CT? I hear reference most often to 26 victims that day or that something is being done 26 times, once for each victim of the Newtown shootings, and I always think that surely most people can understand there were at least 27 victims. It's like those making public statements and leading public actions are so afraid of potentially offending others they aren't willing to openly acknowledge the gunman's mother as one of the victims, and I find that sad. No matter how much we love to find someone to blame when things go wrong, and no matter how much we love to blame parents for any inappropriate behavior exhibited by the children they raise, the woman was shot while in bed and had, by all reports, been trying hard in the ways she knew how to help her troubled son, so why are so many unwilling to count her among the victims that day?
   And to completely out myself for the bleeding heart type that I am, I actually count 28 victims killed in Newtown on December 14th. To me, the young man who killed so many before turning the gun on himself was the 28th. Whether you consider that he was a victim of mental illness that took a chance at a normal life away from him, a victim of others' lack of empathy and/or understanding that could have helped him before he got to such a dark and hopeless place inside, or just a victim of the gunshot that took his life away, he was also a victim according to this Merriam-Webster.com definition: a (1) : one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions <a victim of cancer> <a victim of the auto crash> <a murder victim>. 
   Truly, when you consider how a small deviation in our delicate brain chemistry can create such inability to perceive the things around is in a realistic way or to connect with others and even our own emotions, each of us should be able to look at an Adam Lanza and say, "There, but for the grace of God, go I," feeling compassion for the awful pain he most have been in while absolutely deploring the action he chose to take in his attempts to alleviate that pain. If we let ourselves be hardened to our fellow humans' pain of any sort, we are letting the best part of our humanity become another victim of the Sandy Hook shootings.
   

Peerless

Billions of people
yet not one your exact match
feeling special now? :)

The Grass Is Always On the Wrong Side of the Fence?

     Some people seem to never be satisfied in life. Whatever they have, they wish they had something newer, bigger, faster, better. Wherever they are, they wish they were somewhere else. Whoever they're with, they wish they were with someone more perfect (like themselves, presumably). I could go on and on.   
     Of course, this attitude is encouraged by the advertising industry. We are inundated with messages (some subtle, some not-so) designed to make us feel like we need the newest, biggest, most complex, etc., of whatever is on the market. No matter how determined I am to enjoy the moment and be satisfied with what I have, it can be hard to resist all the alluring images of tropical vacations and shiny new electronics! And our cultural attitude that we deserve to be blissfully happy at all times makes it very hard to be patient with the flaws, real or perceived, of those around us. Not to mention how the increasing stress of being patient and polite with an ever-increasing circle of persons at work, at school, on the road, in stores, online, brings us home with less and less self-control with which to use those qualities on our nearest and dearest. Rather than realizing that the fault lies in our own thinking and behavior, we can easily begin to believe we would be happier with a different partner, parent, child, sibling, roommate, even pet! The promise of a quick fix for our dissatisfaction by jettisoning the old, with its known flaws, to make way for the intriguing new can be so enticing.
     Unfortunately, once we get to know whatever new person, place or thing we thought would make us ecstatically joyful all the time, we see it also has its own set of imperfections. And we have to decide whether we need to make a switch again or find ways to be content with the circumstances we are in now.
     Now, my philosophy tends to be, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" And I can make a pretty good case for the position that this is morally superior to continually needing/wanting something newer and better. But if I'm honest with myself I have to admit my attitude stems at least partly from a bit of laziness on my part. It takes work to make an informed choice when replacing a new item. It takes work to go looking for a new job. It takes work to move to a new area. And it takes a lot of work to get to know a new person in any sort of close relationship! So why not just stick with what you have and tell yourself it's because you are a "better" person than those who go job hopping around the continent or have to trade in whatever they have for the latest model each time it comes out?
     Sadly (for my desire to remain in my comfort zone), I also am fairly committed to trying to be honest with myself. And sometimes a change is the best thing for ourselves and those around us. Sometimes we or the job have grown and/or changed to the point that we are no longer a good fit. Sometimes a person we meet is so worth our spending time and effort in getting to know them better. Sometimes we need to move out of our parents' basement before we're retired and sitting down there all day long! And sometimes that twenty-year-old car would be better off at the parts yard and we would be better off with a cute little Kia wagon and a small loan, establishing a credit history and spending less time waiting by the side of the road for a tow truck.

Make War, Not Love

     I've always thought of myself as a pacifist and been unsure I could kill someone, even to save my life, though I am pretty sure I could do it to save one of my children. I've always played a good defensive game of chess, but been unable to figure out how to win the game, except by accident! And I've been sure for years those two facts are related in some way, but until recently didn't think it was worth bothering to figure out how.
     But "the times, they are a-changin'." (Never thought I'd be quoting Dylan on this blog! Now I need The Mike to do his impression for me.)
     Years ago, I went to a cooperative games night at the kids' elementary school. One of the games we played  involved breaking the players up into two equal groups, putting one group on either side of a line down the middle of the room, and giving each group an equal number of small, soft balls. The object of the game was to become the group with no balls on your side of the line.
     Of course, as soon as the game started people on both sides started throwing balls like crazy, trying to get them all onto the other side of the line, and it immediately became apparent that wasn't the way to win anything. As I watched, I couldn't see any way all the balls could end up on one side of the line, because they were continually being thrown and returned, and if one side hung on to all of them, thinking they would then throw them all over to the other side at once, they would lose the game while they were stockpiling for that final throw. But I did think of a way both sides could win at the same time.
     So I consulted with a few people on my team. They agreed it was worth a try, and we told our plan to our other teammates. Then we called a couple of our opponents to the center to see if they wanted to put the plan into action. They did, so they spread the word to their teammates. Then players on both sides grabbed the nearest ball and hung onto it. Everyone who had a ball came to the center line and, on the count of three, placed their ball on the line, meaning neither side had any balls on it and so both teams won at the same time. Or at least, that was the way the plan was supposed to work. What actually happened was that one of the mothers on my team had a ball in her pocket and once all the other balls were on the line she threw it onto the other side, thinking we won the game without even considering we actually lost it while the ball was in her pocket! By which action she showed herself to be stupid as well as an uncooperative cheater and bad example for all the children present. But that has nothing to do with my point. My point is: I thought of a way for both sides to win the game. Yay!
     But I've always wondered if there was a way for only one side to win the game that I just couldn't see. So recently I asked my facebook contacts if anyone could come up with an answer to that problem. Almost immediately, one of my friends responded with this solution: have one team member unobtrusively hold a ball over the line while the rest of your team holds onto the balls that are being frantically thrown at you. Then at the count of three everyone, including the sneaky over-the-line ball holder, can throw or drop the ball they're holding on the other side of the line and your team will win the game outright. Simple, right? But I never thought of it whenever I remembered that game over the years.
     Which brings me back to the facts that I don't think I could ever kill someone, even to save my own life, and I can't seem to play a winning game of chess. And I figured out these facts are related by the sad truth that I have no offense. My life plan has always been to seek cooperation from others and try to find ways everybody can be happy.
     Now this is fine for many, maybe even most, situations in life. But it occurred to me as I was pondering these things that there will be times when you just can't get cooperation from the people around you, and the stakes will be important enough that you have to try to win - like if someone really is trying to kill you, or if there's only one chocolate left in the box. So you have to develop some offensive strategy to the best of your ability. And maybe it's okay if everybody doesn't end up happy when one of the everybodies involved just wants to kill another of the everybodies, or neither body is willing to split the last coconut cream chocolate. So I'm thinking of changing my philosophy to generally pacifistic but ready to fight when I believe the situation justifies it. And I hope this will make everybody happy ;)

Choice and Commitment

      This post is dedicated to my family of origin, who have taught me more than they know on the subject. I'm sure they would return the compliment!
    
     When you're a teenager and young adult, it's easy to imagine each new friendship and relationship is going to always be as great as it feels at the heady start, the getting-to-know-how-wonderful-each-other-is phase, and will last forever at this same giddy level of interest and interaction. This is a good thing for a young person who is at the individuating stage of development, beginning to make your own way in the world as a separate entity from your parents and family. After all, if you didn't have hope there was something much better out there than what you already know, how many of us would actually take the leap to move out on our own or with roommates? And even more important for the continuation of the human race, how many would take the gigantic leap of joining our self and our future to another person in marriage, to become one and raise new little individuators? There's a reason why someone coined the phrase, "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," after all! We tend to be a little afraid, or at least cautious, of the unknown and so a good, healthy dose of denial and self-deception can get us over that threshold we might never cross otherwise.
     As time goes by, however, we begin to notice little imperfections in our chosen friends and loved ones: they're always running a bit late and so we're always sitting waiting for them; or maybe they have an annoying laugh that begins to grate on our nerves after hearing it thousands of times; or they don't manage money as carefully as we would like them to; or they don't like to try new cuisines and foods the way we do; or maybe they just don't know the new roll of toilet paper should be loaded so the end hangs over the roll, not under, darnit! (It is ridiculous what some parents don't teach their children!) And when we notice these imperfections, whether consciously or not, we're evaluating whether this is a trait or behavior we can continue to tolerate in the long term.
     If we are committed to the relationship, we are determined to find ways to tolerate the other person's faults and foibles so we can continue to enjoy each other's company. We may talk to them about what's bothering us and ask for improvement on their part, or we may develop coping mechanisms to block out unpleasant habits, or we may start drinking heavily - whatever helps us through. And if our friend or partner is also committed to the relationship, they'll probably try to make the changes we ask for. They may even have to develop coping mechanisms of their own to deal with our (surely imagined) annoying traits and habits! And so, if both parties feel a strong level of commitment to keeping the connection, a good relationship can grow and flourish over the years until we know the other person almost as well as we know our self and feel secure that we'll always be there for each other.
     Eventually, we find a strange thing has occurred. The wonderful, perfect person we originally were drawn to, the one we decided we would always need in our life as a friend or lover, has become just as flawed and annoying and familiar-feeling and intrinsic to our life as those people we grew up with and left behind so long ago when we were beginning to make our own place in the world. Through our strong sense of commitment that kept us going through any disillusionment along the way, we have turned them into family, a family we chose for ourselves.
     But what's even more strange is how our original family, people who - with the exception of the married couples contained in it - never chose each other and may not even have chosen each other if they didn't share genes, have always been there for us over the years as we went through the process of becoming an individual in the world and choosing other individuals as friends and family and sharing and surviving and negotiating so many experiences over the years! True, not all family members stay close, or even in touch, but most do try to help and support and share with each other. And that's a pretty amazing level of commitment to someone you had no choice at all about, so this family thing is a pretty amazing invention despite the misunderstandings and pain and fear and frustration that come with close human relationships. Though sometimes, if the frustrations are too great, it leads to some of us being committed in a different way, but that's a subject for another post!
                  

You Never Really Know

     It's been such a crazy week I haven't really had much time to think about things (weird, for me!) but I sat down at the keyboard this morning to try to write something for this blog because I believe it's important for me right now to do this regularly and it's been a couple days since I posted anything. As I sit here, I'm distracting myself with the Book of Faces and a spider solitaire game instead of trying to meditate on what I might like to write about, but somewhere under the surface of my thoughts things must be brewing anyway because it just came to me that I've relearned a couple of huge life lessons this week.
     The one that strikes me most strongly is how important it is not to judge others, even when you really want to because categorizing makes you feel safer in an uncertain world and, especially, categorizing others in an "inferior" category and yourself in a "superior" one makes you feel both safer and better about yourself! But the truth is, if one stays open to possibility, it is possible to learn so much from the "inferior" others.
     Observing, trying to be helpful to others in a caring, mindful way, and then sitting back to meditate occasionally on what has been happening in our lives can all be difficult to do, given the frenetic pace the society we live in seems to move at. But so much can be gained from not giving in the to siren song of "I want more and I want it now!" that plays in various keys all around us, not least of which is greater understanding - and thus peace with and control over - our own motivations.
     So there I was earlier this week, thinking I was helping a young friend through a personal crisis and hoping I could impart some wisdom that would help her to have a smoother ride on the road ahead of her. I was feeling all wise and secure in my aged wisdom. Sure, I felt bad for her pain, but at least I was much too old and sagacious to fall into the same sort of situation myself!
     Smugness never becomes me for very long. As I sit here this morning, I realize I am still motivated by the same feelings she has been suffering through and, what's more, had nowhere near the same insight and ability to deal with them at her age that she has displayed to me! I was blown away by the level of understanding of herself and her situation she showed to me in our talk last night and how quickly she seems to be bouncing back from some very devastating emotional turmoil.
     So now I'm thinking perhaps I should call her this evening to talk about something in my life that's been bothering me a lot lately. After all, does it really matter if we get to be the teacher or the student as long as we're all trying to learn together?

A Sense of Belonging?

     Okay, back to "us" vs. "them" mentality...
     Humans are social creatures, yes? I presume that means we feel a strong need to belong to a group of other humans. But is it just not enough to belong to the group of humanity as a whole? Is that too large and vague a group for us? Do we have an innate need to create and categorize smaller groups and sort ourselves into one or more of them? It seems we are constantly making observations and, consequently, judgments about those around us. And I would conclude, based on the conversation of those around me, that the judgments we make often reassure us that we're better than those we observe in some way.
     So is the grouping all about shoring up our self esteem by placing others in inferior groups and ourselves in a superior group? Or is it more about breaking something large and vague down into more manageable and comprehensible subsets? To restate it: do we judge others to make ourselves feel better than them and, thus, about ourselves, or because we have trouble feeling a real sense of belonging in such a large group as the number of persons living on the earth today and need smaller, more specific guidelines for the clan we identify ourselves with?
     And that last question makes me wonder if we're simply more comfortable with a labeled world? Do we feel safer if we can put others into categories somehow, as if that will help us know what to expect from them at all times? Are we driven by a fear of the unknown and a fallacious belief that, if we can just pin others down and post a label on them, we will then know everything we need to know about them so as not to be surprised by them in some way in the future?
     Anyone got any thoughts, theories, questions to add? I'm still mulling this all over. Meanwhile, I'm gonna go put myself into a subset of people who ask a lot of questions...

Don't Be Scurred

     "Fear causes most - if not all - of the problems in human relationships." I coined this little phrase years ago and over time it's held true for me. When I look at a problem I'm having with someone in my life, I can always find fear of some sort at the bottom of it.
     The other day I was talking with an interesting woman I've recently met about the reasons for war and political unrest around the world. I pulled out the aforementioned saying as a reason why people can't seem to cooperate to make sure everyone has their basic needs for sustaining life met. She opined that greed causes a lot of these sorts of problems. So I got to thinking, what are the connections between fear and greed? Does greed stem from a fear that, if you don't have more than enough, you will someday not even have enough?
     What do you think? Is there fear at the bottom of greed? Do humans just want more and more stuff because we're greedy or do we want it because we fear running out unless we stockpile? Are we afraid if we don't grab things from others they'll grab from us or that someday that resource will be gone and we'll be without unless we take some now?
     I know we humans are very complex creatures, so perhaps I'm oversimplifying this. But I read years ago in some self-help book (the bane of modern civilization!) that even anger is a secondary emotion we feel because, underneath somewhere, we're feeling the primary emotion of pain or fear - emotions we label as "negative" and that leave us feeling uncomfortably powerless. We prefer to feel the anger because it makes us feel more powerful, less helpless. And when I thought about that one I could see truth in it, at least in my own emotional world. And I began looking for and trying to root out the fears that cause me to feel unjustified anger with others. After all, "perfect love casts out fear", and I want to be a loving person.
     So now I'm thinking, if greed is rooted in fear, doesn't that make it unloving toward ourselves and others? If we act and react based on underlying emotions we don't understand or even know are there, aren't we at the mercy of, or enslaved to, those emotions? Shouldn't we try to be guided by well-thought-out principles rather than continually changing feelings? I'm thinking here. What do you think? Let's keep thinking...

"Us" Vs. "Them"

Once it becomes "us" vs. "them" in your mind, you're well on your way to losing, because you've already lost half (or thereabouts) of the people you could have had as allies. This one is percolating lately, so I believe there will be more on this later...

Genius

     Me: "Say you and a botanist survived a plane crash in the desert and the only thing you could find to eat was a cactus the botanist said wouldn't kill you but would definitely make you crazy at some time in the future. You don't know exactly when because it would vary depending on a person's sensitivity and how much you ate of it and other factors. So it could be months, could be years, but you would definitely go insane eventually. What would you do?"
     Isaac: (without even a pause) "Eat the botanist."
     Brilliant! ...though disturbing...

Fool Me Twice

     We've all heard the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me", right? And I think we can all agree it cautions us against giving second chances to someone who has wronged us in the past. In other words, if we are fooled by a person in some way a first time, they should be ashamed for treating us badly, but if we are fooled by them a second time, we should be ashamed for not learning from that first time. Are you with me so far?
     Now, this is very good advice to follow when you have been scammed by a stranger or acquaintance, but I am here today to argue in favor of giving the people we love second chances. There are times when someone we love, whom we believe also loves us, hurts us so badly in some way we don't want to ever give them any opportunity to do so again. And we may need to back off and take some time to lick our wounds and learn from what happened. It's possible we contributed in a small - or large - way to the circumstances that caused us so much pain and will need to make changes in our own behavior.
     Once we've had that opportunity, I say it's not only the kind, but also the wise, thing to see what we can salvage of our relationship. If the other party has taken responsibility for their actions by apologizing and has tried to make amends and learn from the experience themselves, it is obviously kinder to them if we give them another chance. It is also kinder to ourselves, if we love them and had a relatively good relationship with them before the derailing incident. People who really love us are rare and shouldn't be discarded lightly!
     But how is it the wise course to get back in the ring with someone who KO'd us the last time we were in there? For the very fact that it is the kind thing to do. If we want to live in a world where imperfect people learn from their mistakes, it is wise to reward others' efforts to learn, change and grow. This is called positive reinforcement. As this quote attributed to Gandhi says, "be the change that you wish to see in the world." Don't we all want others to be understanding and forgiving of our faults and foibles? Aren't we all trying to do good, yet finding often we didn't do as well as we had hoped? Another way of thinking of it is the Golden Rule, simply stated as, "treat other as you would like to be treated." I also believe that judging others too harshly damages us in some emotional way. The tendency is to judge others by our own yardstick, so if we find another's actions inexcusable even though they have admitted to their wrongdoing and tried to change, we are telling ourselves, on a subconscious level at least, that we cannot be forgiven for our mistakes in similar circumstances, thus setting ourselves up for unrelenting guilt for all our life mistakes. See, we can get away from someone else we deem inexcusable, but it's very hard to get away from oneself, and the ways we humans try usually lead to more and more psychological pain for us and those around us. In the long run, it uses up a lot less of our emotional and physical resources just to learn to take it a little easier on ourselves and those around us. Life on this planet can be hard enough without us making it harder!        
     However, if you've been fooled twice and decide to give the perpetrator a chance to go for number three, well all I can say is, now you're dancing with the definition of insanity, Sister!

DISCLAIMER: What I've said here does not apply to our relationships with our minor children (should we be fortunate enough to have any of the little darlings lying about the house). That is a whole nuther ball of wax and must be played by an entirely different rulebook!   

What's It All About?

    So that last post was definitely a cheat! I threw it up there, having some idea I would try to write something every single day, but yesterday's lack of posting took care of that notion and now I can just write without worrying about self-imposed quotas.
     I ran into an acquaintance yesterday who has been going through a tough time in his personal life this past year and we spent a little time catching up. It made me think about how, if you have no belief in a life beyond the 80 or so years we spend in imperfect existence on this planet, it must be extremely hard to take if everything you've worked for over the years falls apart in your middle or later years and you end up feeling like you just wasted decades of your life. He and I are fortunate enough to believe that everything we learn in this life will help us to become stronger and smarter people in a way that will lastingly benefit us, but what does one do if you've spent many years building up a "nest egg", or a close relationship with a mate or friends or children, and drawing strength and hope from that source, and suddenly it's taken away from you by circumstances you have no control over? It must be very difficult to recover from such an experience without hope that you'll have time to use the wisdom you've gained.
     To anyone who may read this, I hope you have a source you can go to to sustain you through such hard times. Chocolate, for instance. And you can always listen to Paul McCartney:

     The mullet totally makes it all better again!

The Importance of Gaming

     Recently I read about an advance in AIDS research where online gamers helped solve a problem that has had researchers stymied for over a decade. In just three weeks, the Foldit players came up with a good enough model of a protease scientists have been trying to recreate that they can now use that model in order to learn how to disable the HIV protease.
     This morning I'm listening to my son as he revisits The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. He hasn't played the game for a couple years and so is doing a lot of talking himself through partially remembered areas and features of the game, occasionally asking me questions about what I remember to refresh his own memory. At one point I heard him say to himself, "Maybe I'm not supposed to be here right now," which certainly seems like an important existential question to ponder, and led me to ponder on the heretofore unrealized (at least to me) potential of gaming in solving some of life's big problems and mysteries.
     And thinking about this causes me to realize I may have been wrong years ago when I wouldn't allow my older children to have any electronic game systems throughout most of their childhoods. I think they're pretty special people, but what more could they have been if only they had been allowed to spend their time seated in front of a television screen, eyes riveted, mouth agape, barely breathing, moving nothing but their thumbs for blissful hour upon hour?
     And this brings me to the realization that I owe my older two children a huge apology. Kids, I'm really sorry my shortsightedness caused you to miss out on realizing your full potential in life and I can only hope that when your younger brother takes over the world he'll remember he owes the fact that I finally caved on the electronic games issue to your persistence and will give you jobs suited to your limited abilities!